To Hell and Back
by Lucienous
Summary: Set from the night before Ilos to ME2; With three little words, he brought a peace to her. She belonged to someone. She had a home in him. On hiatus
1. The Night Before Ilos

Jane Shepard was sitting at her computer, clicking on anything the extranet had that drew her attention. She had done all she could to prepare herself and her crew for Ilos. There wasn't any point in reviewing the data for a fourth time, she thought. Three was just enough.

It was the swooshing of the doors that pulled her from the wonderfully exciting article about Hanar poetry. Jane stood up from her desk, turning to face whoever entered her room.

"Commander," Kaidan Alenko said as the doors closed behind him.

She shook her head. "You probably shouldn't call me that." She tch'ed and shrugged. "I probably shouldn't even be wearing this uniform."

He took a step towards her with a small smirk as his hand touched his chin in contemplation. "Yeah, hell of a thing... We broke our oath to the Alliance so we can keep it." He took another step and let his arms fall back to his sides. "What if this doesn't work out, Shepard?"

To be honest, she hadn't thought about that. She looked to the floor, then back up to Kaidan's eyes. She didn't want to think about that. Even if the mission doesn't go as planned, what are the chances of them living? They were all calling it a suicide mission for a reason. Chances of failure at Ilos and surviving it were astronomically low. It was just pointless to think about it any further.

"We mutinied," he continued,"stole a prototype warship, and if they wanted to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?" Kaidan chuckled and shook his head.

Jane sighed. "I just keep telling myself I'm doing the right thing. I don't believe me yet." She moved her hand to brush her hair out of her face when she noticed it was trembling. She held her hands out in front of her, noting that they we both trembling. With another sigh, she ran both of her hands through her hair.

Kaidan watched quietly for a moment before speaking back up. "Well, if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here."

The corners of her lips turned up in a small smile. "Yeah, I guess..."

"It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos." Kaidan took a deep breath, moving closer towards Jane. His brows furrowed slightly and his eyes bore into her's. "If things don't go well, I want you to know... Well, that I enjoyed serving under you."

Jane bit her lip and cast her gaze to the floor. _This might be really the last time that Kaidan and I... No, no. Stay positive, Shepard. Everything will be okay. the mission __will go_ well,_ they'll live, and I would only have to worry about... something that isn't stressful or difficult. But, Kaidan..._

Her heart thudded against her chest. She felt her cheeks flush. How would she and Kaidan be doing? All the late night chats, shy passes, and coy smiles... they had to be something more. They've opened up to each other in ways that they hadn't before. Her, about her life on Earth and Akuze, and him, about Rahna. He knew her better than anyone else, and she, him. Long ago, she realized, they stopped being officer and subordinate.

Jane looked up at Kaidan, his brow furrowed in confusion. _Oh, _she thought, _he must've of seen me blush... Oh, god. _Her cheeks flushed a deeper red. "You stopped being a subordinate a long time ago, Kaidan," she said coolly, despite her throbbing heart and flushed appearance. Then, quietly, in almost a whisper, she said, "Don't you think it's time to act like it?"

"Battlefield flirting is one thing, Shepard," drawled Kaidan, as if to reinforce a point. "There are regs against fraternization."

Her heart twisted. _Rejection. _ The thought echoed in her mind as her hand rose to her chest in a loose fist, preparing herself for the oncoming rejection. _Everything..._

Then his expression relaxed and a smile played upon his lips. "Huh." He looked into Jane's eyes. "I suppose breach of protocol would be pretty far down our list of changes at our courts-martial."

Jane laughed quietly. A wave of relief washed over, the tension in her muscles eased out of her.

"You know what? You're right... about everything." Kaidan held her face in his hands. Her heart was racing and she started to feel light-headed from the rush as he continued to speak. "When I think about losing you, I can't stand it, and the galaxy just keeps on going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again."

He leaned in close and brushed her cheeks with his thumbs. Jane swallowed, staring up at him nervously. Her heart kept on beating at her chest, desperate to break free. "Kaidan..."

"But you and I," he begun, pausing for a moment,"we... are important right now. This is what will never happening again... us. Shepard, you make me feel...,"he paused, silent at he searched for a word. He sighed. "...human."

She laid her hands over his. Her mouth opened, but it felt like her heart had jumped into her throat. She swallowed. "Bunk here tonight, Kaidan," she whispered, "with me."

He chuckled. "Is that an order, commander?" His voice held a hint of teasing.

Jane pursed her lips, earning another chuckle. "I'm not looking for a pet, Kaidan." She folder her arms. "I would have gone somewhere else for that."

"Bluffer." Kaidan laughed. His expression turned serious. "This can't change anything, Shepard. This is a good crew. The finest I've served with. I don't want to mess it up."

And then everything seemed to speed up. Jane found herself embracing Kaidan. Fervent kisses left her panting, wanting more of the closeness it brought her. His fingers raked through her hair as they inched closer to the bed.

Her heart was going crazy. She could almost swear that Kaidan could feel it. Her breaths were ragged when Kaidan pulled back, pausing for a moment. His warm russet eyes were filled with the love she's been longing for since she was a child.

Everything was going in slow-motion. Her heartbeat became a slow thrumming and a quiet desperation lingered between them_. _Her hands gripped the fabric of his shirt as she leaned up to place a kiss on his lips.

She gasped as she lost her balance, falling back onto the bed, wide-eyed and bringing Kaidan down with landed with an 'oomph!' as the air was pushed out of her. Kaidan's chest rumbled with quiet laughter.

Jane felt her cheeks heat up, embarrassed at the lack of grace she displayed, right when things were going so wonderfully. _I've been nothing but a blushing mess. _Her eyes widened as soon as the thought ran through her mind, and she let out a pitiful whine, covering her face as it further reddened.

Kaidan smiled, gently ting her hands and lifting them from her face. She turned her head away, a deep blush still colouring her cheeks.

"Hey," Kaidan whispered. Jane remained unresponsive. He sighed. "Hey, look at me, Jane. That was nothing to be embarrassed about. You've done way worse, remember? Like that time you walked into the men's bathroom while..."

Jane jerked her face towards him, a scowl set in her face. He laughed quietly and touched his forehead to her's, a grin stretched across his face. "That's my Jane."

The corners of her lips turned up in a small smile. And then it hit her. As all the embarrassment and nervousness melted away, bliss blossomed inside her. Bliss -pure, sweet bliss- coursed through her veins.

As she reached her hand up to touch his face, she stared into his eyes. All the twisting and pounding stopped. She was no longer trembling. He did this to her. With three little words, he brought a peace to her. She belonged to someone. She had a home in him.

In her realization one thing stood out to her: she was in love with Kaidan Alenko.

Jane woke up, smiling, curled against Kaidan's chest. His arm held her close to him. Her smile widened as she pressed her back further against him. For once in her life, everything was perfect.

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! I'll update at least once every two weeks.**


	2. Horizon

Horizon didn't go well. Jane was chewing her lip as the mechanic ranted and raved. "I'm sorry," she offered up.

He turned and snapped at her in his weird American accent. His eyes were full of malice as he eyed her. Her mouth pressed itself into a firm line. This wasn't her fault, she knew... Or was it? If only she had gotten to Horizon sooner. She saw some Alliance soldiers trapped in some sort of stasis. Cerberus, with all its resources and intel, had to know before the Alliance. She could've had everyone safe and evacuated.

But she didn't.

"Who are you, anyway?" he asked, practically spitting out the words.

Right as she opened her mouth to answer, another voice spoke up for her. It was familiar, deep, smooth... Her heart pounded away as she recognized the figure walking out from behind a pile of crates.

"Commander Shepard," Kaidan said, almost in scholarly in a manner, like he was lecturing a student, "captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel." He stood facing the mechanic, cool and relaxed.

Jane didn't realize she was smiling until he stopped talking. _I look like a goof, I bet. Just standing here, grinning like a fool. _She just smiled even wider.

"You're in the presence of a legend, Delan." Kaidan looked at her, adding quietly, "And a ghost."

The mechanic folded his arms, shifting his weight to the left. "All the good people that we lost, and you get left behind," he sneered. "Figures." He flicked a hand as he stalked off. "I'm done with you Alliance types."

Kaidan walked towards Jane in slow strides. She looked into his eyes, hardly believing he was there. His eyes spoke the same disbelief about her, but there was something held back in there that she couldn't identify. When his arms wrapped around her, held her flush against him, she noticed how tense and controlled he had been. His movements had been almost robotic and demeanor forcibly calm. It just didn't feel right, but yet it felt good to have him here in her arms and she in his.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard," he whispered. "We all did." His voice was strained.

She swallowed and curled her fingers. She pulled him closer. "You," she racked her mind for the right words to say "...don't sound very happy to see me. Something bothering you, Kaidan?"

He pulled away, way sooner than she had wanted. His brows knitted together. "Yeah, something's bothering me. I spent that past two years thinking you were dead!"

Jane winced at the harshness of his voice. She didn't intend for this- she didn't mean to... "Kaidan, I-"

"I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real." He sighed, shaking his head. "I loved you."

Ouch. She felt her heart drop and stomach twist. The colour in her face nearly had drained. Wide-eyed, she stared up at him.

"Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How _could_ you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

Jane was at a loss for words. She gaped, holding a hand over her heart. "Kaidan... I-I'm sorry," she stammered out. "I was clinically dead for two years. I-it took two years to bring me back. And, Anderson, when I went to the Citadel, I asked about you, where you were. He wouldn't tell me. It was classified." The words came out in a rush. She took a breath, then started back up again. "So much time has passed. I... didn't intend... You moved on."

Yes, he did. He had too. I bet there's a pretty little doctor waiting for him.

"I did move on. At least, I thought I did." Kaidan focused his attention on the N7 symbol on her armour. "But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus."

"Reports? You mean you already knew?"

She had completely forgotten about her squad. Garrus' flanging voice brought her back out of the slight daze she had been in.

"Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies," Kaidan replied, keeping his eyes on Jane. "They got a tip that this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me but there were rumors that you weren't dead, that you were working for the enemy."

She shook her head almost violently. "No! Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save the colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them."

He scoffed. "Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think? I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like_-_" He swept his arm out "-_this."_

Jane took a step back, feeling like she was being backed into a corner. Her heart was pounding away, this time from the adrenaline that began to pump through her veins. Her fingers began to twitch, wanting to curl into a fist and _swing._ He wasn't listening to what she was saying, branding her a _traitor. _After all they've been through, he was turning on her.

"Kaidan," she drawled, careful not to let her frustration show, "you know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reasons. You saw it yourself: the Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers!"

"I want to believe you, Shepard, but I don't trust Cerberus."

_Don't you shut me out, Kaidan._

"They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Dammit, Kaidan!" Garrus snapped. "You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!"

_At least someone listened. He's acting like a child._

"I can see you won't listen to reason," she remarked.

He looked at her incredulously, like she was making some sort of sick joke. "You show up after two years and tell me you're working with Cerberus." He laughed. _H_e _laughed. "_Where does reason figure into any of this?"

Jane gnawed her bottom lip. _He's just mad, hurt, and confused. Don't do anything rash, Jane. Don't blow your composure. Don'tblowitdon'tblowitdon'tblowit._

"You've changed," he stated, eying her warily, sensing her anger.

_You know me too well sometimes. Why can't you understand now?_

_"_I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier; always will be."

There was a dull ache in her chest as she watched Kaidan back away from her. _I am one, too, Kaidan. Not just you. I will always be an Alliance soldier._

"I've got to report back to the Citadel." He turned around and began to walk away. "They can decide if they believe your story or not."

For a moment, her angered dissipated into a kind of panic. _What do I say? There has to be a way to make him stay. No, he... Aren't I enough? That night before Ilos... Please, let me be enough._

"Kaidan!" Jane called out, reaching out toward him with one hand. "I could use someone like you on my crew. It would be like old times," she offered with a weak smile. _He has to. Please, please stay. I need you._

He stopped and turned to half-face her. Pain was etched into his features as he stared at her. "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." He looked to the ground. "Good bye, Shepard, and be careful."

And with that, he left. Jane stood there staring at the spot he was just in a moment ago. Everything on the inside began to twist and ache from the rejection. She felt something in her mind shut off as she straightened up her posture.

"Joker, send a shuttle to pick us up," she said into her headset, voice void of emotion. "I've had enough of this colony."

Garrus had placed a hand on her shoulder as she stared up at the sky.

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**A/N: Whew! I updated much sooner than I had anticipated. I'm really getting into writing more than I had been before. It's strange when you have an audience, small or big. It is rather… motivating. Also, I made some changes to the span of it. I'm going to write a prequel set in ME1 focusing on the relationship that built up between Kaidan and Shepard, and then a sequel set in ME3 on them recuperating. This one is going to have some major character development.**

**I hate begging, but it would be really nice for someone to review my story. I would love some feedback and constructive criticism. I never realized how important it really was til I started posting my writing. **


	3. Everything's Okay

He moved on, she told Joker. Plain and simple. It was a fact that she had seemingly accepted very quickly. Garrus didn't look like he believed her, though, from the skeptical look his blue eyes held when she told him that she was fine and just needed some time to think. It wouldn't take long, she thought. Everything was clear and concise:

Jane Shepard and Kaidan Alenko were over.

He moved on.

She was moving on.

He wasn't going to join her crew.

Jane walked into her room, shoulders back and chin up. She shed her armour onto the floor, leaving it in a pile, then threw her underarmour atop of it. Those four things repeated in her mind has her fingers fumbled around with the bobby pins holding her bun. Her hair fell in a strawberry-blonde tangle down her back when she pulled out the last bobby pin. She raked her fingers through her hair to quickly take out any knots that may have formed.

She was fine, really.

She entered the bathroom and flicked the shower on. She adjusted the know til the water felt just _right_ on her skin. Her hands pressed against the tiles beside the shower head. Her breaths came in slow and deep, then left in a slow exhale.

Jane Shepard and Kaidan Alenko were over.

He moved on.

She was moving on.

He wasn't going to join her crew.

And she was okay with that. She was okay that they weren't going to raid the kitchen anymore. She was okay that they weren't going to pull pranks on each other. She was okay that they weren't going to tease each other anymore. She was okay that they weren't going to joke around anymore. She was okay that they weren't going to have late night chats, that they weren't going to tell each other things that only they knew, that they weren't going to share lingering looks, that they weren't going to share coy smiles when no one was looking.

She was okay that she lost the person closest to her and that it didn't tear her up inside. She was Commander Shepard, captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel.

But it was Jane who fell to her knees, hunched over and crying. It was Jane who wasn't okay that they weren't going to raid the kitchen anymore, pull pranks on each other, tease each other, joke around, have late night night chats, share secrets, lingering looks, and secretive smiles. It was Jane who wasn't okay that she had lost the person closest to her, who she gave everything to, and it did tear her up inside.

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**A/N: Hot damn. Two in two days? I'm on a roll! This is more of a filler chapter that I planned on posting this weekend, but I'm an impatient writer. I don't like to keep people waiting when I have something ready to post.**

**Please, do review! It's really helpful and motivating.**


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